You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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