god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
