Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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