My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
As shirtless as possible
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
