Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
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