Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
