Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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