So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Randomize
