i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
