Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Randomize
