I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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