It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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