Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
