Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
