I got chris browned last night
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
He better not be in your backpack
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
