im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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