Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
