that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
