he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
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