Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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