so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
