if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
