I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
