If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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