Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
