Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
