yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I cut my penus on the lid.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
