So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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