remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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