the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
