sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
