grandma shit on top of the toilet
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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