last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
