i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
