You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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