Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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