haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
