Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
