get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
