I wanna bring you to show and tell
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
