FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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