she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
