No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
