just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
