just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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