Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
