Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
