omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
