Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
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