I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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