Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
